By Ashley on November 28, 2010
Have you ever found yourself frustrated because whatever discipline, bribes, or negotiations you use with your child, he or she still pushes your buttons? Parenting is far from a walk in the park, as any mother or father knows. Not only do children demand everything from you, they also test your patience constantly. Children are always busy with ’something’ – and usually that ’something’ causes a mess that we have to clean up. The whining for new toys or treats can become so annoying. Or they resist us and openly defy us. Kids are expert manipulators, they usually have us completely figured out. Some parents actually become afraid of their kids, and have a sense of dread because they walk all over the parents.
But parenting need not be so difficult. In fact, there is a way that exhausted and stressed parents can reclaim their peace of mind in their own home. First, parents need to become aware of these common mistakes that actually cause the misbehavior in children and teenagers to get worse. These are the three most common mistakes that mothers and fathers make that actually sabotage their efforts to discipline and educate their children.
3 Common Parenting Mistakes Mothers and Fathers Make:
1. Not getting enough “me time.” A little self-rejuvenation goes a long way – parents need to emotionally re-charge.
2. Using discipline methods that don’t work. Spending a little time to learn about more effective ways to discipline your children so they cooperate more easily can save a lot of frustration.
3. Not responding to the underlying reason for their child’s misbehavior Reacting to the behavior rather than understanding the “root” of the misbehavior. Think about what your child may need that they’re not getting.
MISTAKE #1 – The ’super-mom’ syndrome
By far the biggest mistake most parents make is that they don’t take time for themselves. It’s the ’super-mom’ syndrome (or ’super-dad’). Sadly it’s considered normal that mothers and fathers over-extend themselves for the sake of the family, even to the point of exhaustion and health disturbances. The truth is that this formula simply doesn’t work. It back-fires once the exhausted mother has no more to give; she starts to become resentful, depressed, irritable, and loses her patience more and more as the demands on her don’t give her the break she needs. It’s common for exhausted parents to snap at their children or begin to use discipline methods that coerce children through threats, bribes, punishments and manipulation – which actually cause children to misbehave even more.
A stressed and exhausted mother simply doesn’t have the attention span and patience that her child may need. A child who isn’t getting the attention he or she needs from her parents will begin to behave in whatever manner necessary in order to get any crumb of attention, which can manifest as “naughty misbehavior” and “temper tantrums”.
Remember, you can only give what you have. So if you don’t give yourself the space and time to renew, rejuvenate and refresh yourself, how can you continue giving of yourself? Parents need to find someone to give them some attention and care too. If you’re a parent and you find yourself exhausted and frustrated more often than not, then you need to get some time to rejuvenate. Find a friend with whom you can meet with regularly and exchange “listening time” together. Having someone attentively listen to you and give you their full attention is one of the best ways to emotionally rejuvenate yourself.
Exercise is another, take time to work out your physical kinks by sweating and stretching away from your children. Even if it’s only for an hour at night after the kids go to sleep. Don’t worry if you can’t fully clean up the kitchen before bed… you don’t need to have everything perfect all the time.
What’s more important? An impeccably clean house or your emotional well-being? Sometimes you have to make a choice. Sometimes you have to put your emotional well-being as a higher priority to having a clean house.
There’s no reason that parenthood should feel like a prison. Think about it, you will be a parent for some time, so you might as well enjoy it. Otherwise you’ll find yourself old and look back with regret at all the wasted years. We don’t want that! If you are emotionally rejuvenated, then you’ll be able to give much better attention to your children. And your child will become much more cooperative and well behaved because of this. If you have to make big changes in your life to schedule more time for yourself – do it! Your child will thank you down the road.
Find a friend, family member or babysitter to help you with the kids so you can get some time away from them to re-charge. Don’t use this time to ‘catch-up’ on more chores, errands or work! Instead, take some time for yourself to unwind. Go for a walk in nature alone, get a massage, have a coffee with a friend, work out at the gym, cry on a friend’s shoulder for a while, find a therapist with whom you can open up with, go to the spa and pamper yourself, take a yoga class, spend some time doing pottery, do some hoola hooping, whatever you need to feel re-charged and happy.
MISTAKE #2 – Using out-dated discipline methods that don’t really work
Considering the vast impact that each generation has on our society in general, it’s amazing that we don’t have a proper parenting education system. The future of our world lies in the hands of our children. And how parents raise, discipline and teach the kids of today determines our future. After working with thousands of parents, we’ve discovered that most parents simply repeat the same discipline tactics that their parents used, without educating themselves on the different options available. Plus, many of these parents soon discover the long-lasting psychological effects that some of these out-dated discipline tactics can have on their children. In fact, many discipline methods actually contribute to the rise in attention deficit and hyperactivity symptoms, as well as increasingly worse teenage defiance and rebellion.
Not educating ourselves on the effects of many discipline methods and discovering healthier options is an easy mistake to make. After all, it’s how we were raised wasn’t it? The question we really need to ask is whether or not we want to learn new ways that work better to discipline our kids. We’ve often found that learning one or two new parenting skills can really make a big difference with parents who struggle with getting a defiant child to cooperate.
So often parents are at a loss as to how to respond to a child who throws a temper tantrum, shows defiance, is hyperactively out-of-control, or who has difficulty concentrating and maintaining attention. Unless parents learn new ways to respond then the frustrating behavior will keep on repeating.
The biggest key in resolving a child’s undesirable behavior is to understand the real reasons why the child is misbehaving. In our education program, parents are often surprised to learn that so many of the things they do to try to discipline their kids are actually making the misbehavior worse because the real needs and issues of the child are completely ignored. To learn about what the underlying reasons for misbehavior in children are, read the next common mistake parents make…
MISTAKE #3 – Not responding to the underlying reason for their child’s misbehavior
One of the most common mistakes parents make is that they don’t address the “root” of their child’s behavior. When a child acts out; most parents rush them to composure, try to hush the tantrum or overpower the defiance. Yet, in reacting to the tantrum, crying, whining, hitting, biting, rebellion, name calling or whatever expression the misbehavior takes, parents are in effect missing their opportunity to really solve the underlying “root cause” of the child’s behavior.
There are 3 Reasons for a Child’s Misbehavior.
There are usually 3 reasons why a child may be acting in ways that are not desirable.
The first is that they have a genuine need that is not being met. The second reason is that they are reacting to some unresolved stress or tension. The third reason is that they are missing information about the situation. For example; a two year-old child simply doesn’t know that mud makes the floor dirty, so we can’t really blame them for tracking their dirty boots on the floor if we’re not supervising them close enough. In this example the two year-old needs missing information and needs some kind of physical barrier or closer supervision to stop them from tromping mud all over the floor.
If a teenager is doing something that is causing you stress and pain, it’s likely a cry for attention. Teenagers usually crave to have more time and attention from their parents, they usually desperately want to talk about their problems and uncertainties with someone they can trust, who won’t judge them, be-little them or take away their power by telling them what they should do. Many teenagers bury a lot of resentment and anger because they don’t have any safe space to express their emotions. If parents can free themselves up by getting emotional rejuvenation for themselves they can give their teenager or child the attention and time that they really need to work through these issues. But exhausted and stressed parents usually don’t have the wherewithal to deal with a teenager’s emotions; because often children will have strong feelings that come up which are often directed towards the parent.
If parents avoid the first mistake and give themselves the time and space to rejuvenate. Then they are more able to approach their child from a calmer, refreshed and less reactive stance, then they will be able to step back and really think about their child’s needs. Once parents figure out the real need of the child, then they can actually respond to the misbehavior in a way that will instantly fix it at the root. Avoiding the second mistake means that you don’t keep beating your head on the wall trying to use various forms of punishments or rewards that don’t work in the long run.
To learn 7 simple ways to transform misbehavior into great behavior, which discipline methods you want to avoid and how to better understand the reasons for your child’s behavior you can download our complete guide on child behavior and parenting skills here:
The Happy Child Guide
